Here are some phrases you may be telling your child, but honestly are a hindrance than beneficial.
Unfortunately; everything we say, even with good intentions, is not helpful as you would think.
Sometimes we tell ourselves a statement that sounds positive but is really negative.
Telling your child these phrases could be more damaging in the long run.
As a parent you must be mindful of your words.
I know I was a victim to all of these sayings through, teachers, my parents, and coaches.
Because words, tone, and syntax can have effects in the programming of the brain.
Which in turn reflects on your child’s development.
The way you structure your sentences and emphasis on a positive tone
These skills are essential to raising a healthy, confident, and able child to succeed in life.
I hope that, is what every parent wants for their child?
Let me share with you the sayings I find the most hurtful and how through the power of sharing stories, being involved and positive parenting works.
1. “There isn’t anything you cant do...”
This saying is all about syntax and sentence structure.
What we hear and in which order words are placed in, makes an impact on our comprehension.
This affects the way our brain will interpret the information. If you leave a positive idea with a negative context, the mind will unconsciously file that positive saying into a negative space.
The word can’t is a word you should never use with a child. You can’t do this or you shouldn’t do that, are sayings I hear daily at the grocery store or out shopping.
There are several things you can’t do in life.
I know I would stop writing after a page or so if I was asked to write down things I can not do?
But If I asked you the reverse of that question, tell me what can you do? I bet you could write endlessly, about the possibilities of what is possible.
Even the impossible has been proven to be possible; usually, someone figures out the secret to doing something no one else was able to.
Instead of telling your child negative words, use the reversal and give them positive words instead.
As a parent, I always gave examples of what I would have done in there place. Whether it was a problem with a friend at school or a teacher that they didn’t get along with.
Encourage them to improve the skills they have and always to learn new ones, no matter how bizarre they may sound.
Your child might turn out to be the best singing ventriloquist magician in the world.
2. “Stay positive“
You may be scratching your head and saying to yourself, he just stated before to use positive words, and now I can’t tell my child to stay positive.
Yes, I know it sounds contradictive, but the word positive does mean the same thing used in this context.
To stay positive is a coined phrase that appears glorious. The mirror image of it, Negativity has taken on different meanings as well.
So when you start teaching your child that there are only two sets of mindsets in the world. A positive mindset and a negative mindset.
You are robbing your child of multiple mindsets, thinking way outside the box, complex, comprehensive skills and how to manage an explosive amount of emotions in life.
In other words, by stating there are only two ways you can be and the later is not the one to choose, you are really telling your child or maybe yourself that I can only be positive and happy.
For instance, we all know that no one person can not be happy all the time.
That would be exhausting and you have a vast number of other feelings that you experience throughout the day.
You would never grow, you would never be adventurous, and no one would ever seek out more exceptional findings.
If we were all happy all the time.
You would have to take all the strife and sorrow out of the world for you to be positive because someone is always ready to shit all over your parade at a moments notice.
Tough moments in your life build character pushes us to be better and explore. If you think about some of your happiest moments, they have some very sad and negative backstories.
I encourage my children to adapt to the situation, not make the most of it.
I believe in the mindset to “Play the cards you are dealt and not show your full hand.”
Use what you have which is a lot considering your brain is the most sophisticated tool you have at your disposal.
So if you can teach your child to keep a cool head, think the problem or issue through and seek ways of working with what you have.
Your child will develop excellent comprehension and social skills that will help them throughout life.
3. “Be yourself “
To know one’s self and to express one’s self honestly is the hardest thing to do. Bruce Lee had a famous quote that has always meant a lot to me.
“To express oneself honestly, not lying to oneself that, my friend, is tough to do.” – Bruce Lee.
For the most part, he states that to be yourself is a tough thing to do.
Then why do we continually tell our kids and friends to be themselves?
For instance, I personally can contest to not knowing how to be myself when I am in a very uncomfortable position, and I am a very confident individual.
But I also do not like looking like a fool in front of strangers, as most of us would agree.
We do not like to be embarrassed.
Ask yourself, then why are you giving advice to your child when you yourself cannot be yourself.
Telling your child the advice of being honest isn’t entirely correct as well.
As we have many social cues and restriction from us actually being a hundred percent honest with people.
Not every idea or thought should not be said aloud.
Some things you just keep to yourself and never say, ever! Most of us learn this lesson the hard way.
Instead of telling your child the advice to be themselves, help them discover who they are.
Now, this doesn’t mean let your kids do whatever they want or explore whatever they want.
Meditation, exercise, reading, and all types of art are ways to help encourage your child to learn how to explore themselves. Being honest with yourself helps to get over traumas, tribulations, and anxieties in life.
Its when you change that mindset of being a victim to an ownership mentality, your child will have fewer pitfalls and be less prone to substance abuse.
4. “You can do anything you can put your mind too.”
I know what you are thinking. Where is he going to go with this one? This kind of statement only tells part of the story.
Again many famous people say famous quotes about if you put your mind to it and dedication you will get what you want.
Well, all know that isn’t entirely the whole truth. Yes, we know that if you put effort into thinking up and idea, it can manifest itself. But there are many components of success and how to achieve great success whatever that may be for you.
Telling a child that if you really put a lot of thought and effort into something you are going to succeed. This may be why most are afraid to try anything ever again after they had one bad experience.
What you should teach your child is the way to navigate and refine ideas and thoughts. Sometimes they have to combine with other ideas and sometimes they just don’t work.
If you give your child a full tank of overconfidence, he or she will be embarrassed, ashamed and beaten when they fail and run out of gas.
Your child has to develop the mindset of successful individuals that when their tank of gas ran out.
They got out of their car and started pushing it towards their destination.
This is why our younger generations have a harder time with rhetoric and constructive criticism.
As they cannot take struggle as generations prior.
I went to a private Catholic school where you were given a heaping spoonful of criticism daily by the nuns.
You learned where your role was and what was expected of you.
The were strict and straightforward in telling you what was expected.
Its fair to know and tell someone what is expected before criticism is to be presented.
A nice big helping of introspection was served fresh hot everyday.
So you learn humility that your shit does stink.
And it does stink (most of the time) compared to what your ego thinks you are the best at and then the feeling of when you meet the best in a field.
You learn this real quick in martial arts.
In martial arts, I learn when I think I am really getting something down, I have a lot more to learn.
It’s by teaching your child humility in themselves, and, not everything you put your mind or effort into, will flourish.
Although, if you keep refining, learning, and use introspection. The most magnificent ideas will become of those failures.
That struggle you when through, that defeat you just took and the loss you only encountered.
Helps craft who we are and builds strength.
Your child will be less depressed, more humble and more respectful if you teach them that failure will happen and if they stay humble through their struggle, they will grow from those experiences.
Its when you hide or protect your child from these lessons, they make poor choices later in life.
Staying focused as an adult is almost impossible for me.
So why would I give such bad advice to my child? You may be thinking, its a metaphorical idea of staying determined and focused on the prize at hand.
I personally have played many sports in my life, and I have trained very diligently in martial arts for years since I was a child.
Determination, repetition, and practice to develop a motor skill. Meditation, breathing, and control of oneâ€™s emotions help build control over the mind and body.
So unless you are teaching all of these techniques like a grandmaster to your child and they are practicing these techniques day in and day out.
How can you tell your child to stay focused when they do not have the essential tools to stay focused?
I have been in some tough situations, been in some real fights, training and been in tournaments.
In all of these circumstances, I can tell you where I had lost focus but still won.
But life throws many distractions our way these days.
You would have to take a life of solitude and poverty not to be distracted these days.
So teach your child how to practice with a focused determination and control over their own mind.
If you can explain that to a young child, he or she will learn how to cope with emotions, turmoil in their life and that gives them the tools to make the right decisions.
Seeing opportunities, then acting on them, is what wins and grows wealth.
Focus your child to look for opportunities and not be worried to take them. With determination, your mind will always see a path to take them to their destinations.
Understanding that the road is not straight, short or smooth.
Creating an understanding that; hardship, restraint, discipline, and endurance will have to be applied to achieve one’s goals.
On a side note, Share with your kids!
We should all learn from our parent’s mistakes and remember what sayings we disliked or didn’t make sense. Share with your kids.
Telling your child stories of things you did and liked when you wee their age. Share the troubles you had in school, with friends, with teachers. Share what you experienced, learned and what you wish you had done. Even if it is embarrassing or reveals you in a different light.
You may not want your kids to find out what you did, but they eventually will.
Trust me, long after your death they will find out.
I have met countless matured parents who tell me stories of the children making the same mistakes made in life.
It merely comes down to sharing, no you may clean up the story and leave unneeded details, but if the aspect is bad but deals with the moral of the story, tell it.
It may be uncomfortable to you or embarrassing, but your child will now see you as an advisor and share things with you.
They will tell you their problems without the feeling of judgment.
Read More about the importance of sharing stories.
If you are feeling disconnected with your child and don’t know what to do or your child is rebellious.
Share with them your secrets. It sounds unorthodox. But your role as a parent is to educate, advise and prepare your child for the world and for them to live a good life.
I have the most exceptional parents and extremely close to them, I have two teenage daughters that share with me the struggles, thoughts, and concerns they have. I listen, with no judgment and then tell them a story or give them advice on what I would do or handle it.
Sometimes I tell stories of other people I know or stories I have heard. It doesn’t always have to be about you sharing, but you need to start with that to build trust.
Have elders, grandparents, and family share their stories of wins, losses, and grief with your kids.
The more stories your children hear. Gives them a broader aspect of life, decisions, consequences and outcomes.
The more they understand to pitfalls and torments of the world. That person survives and strives out of struggle, and they can always use you as a guide rather than a dictator.